michigancomedy

Chicago Hot Dogs

I was born and raised just outside of Chicago where I lived there until 1999. I have lived in Michigan ever since.

I was visiting Chicago this past weekend and took my sons to the famous Mickey’s Red Hots on Mannheim Rd, just a stones throw from my childhood home in Hillside.

You might know that Chicagoans are little bitches when it comes to hot dogs. Some people insist that if you don’t eat a hot dog the way they like it, that you are somehow a defective person.

Except here’s the thing... I still do not like Chicago-style Hot Dogs. You can’t make me. Hot dogs are gross enough as it is, without bringing a shit ton of gross condiments into the mix. So if I’m eating a hot dog, its just ketchup or plain. I don’t like mustard. I don’t like relish. I don’t like pickles on my hot dogs.

Cut to me waiting in line to order hot dogs for myself and my three picky sons. I just want 4 hot dogs. Two plain, two with ketchup.

The guy in front of me in line ordered his food…

Cashier: “What do you want?”

Guy: “One hot dog.”

Cashier: “With everything?”

Guy: “Just ketchup.” (phew, I’m not the only one!)

Cashier: “Is this for a baby?” (uproarious laughter from all the employees and all the other people in line)

SON OF A BITCH!

But then, I actually got a friendly cashier so I didn’t have to suffer the same humiliation. I was able to get out of there with my 4 baby hot dogs without so much as a chuckle.

Can we stop telling people what to eat and how they should eat it? How is that your business? If I want to eat my hot dog with tuna and gummy bears, how is that your business?

Let’s try letting each other just BE for a while. I bet we actually like it.

I'm Glad You're Here

I’m glad you’re here.

Truly. I actually am genuinely happy that you’re here.

Sometimes people will say that, but then follow it up with something that makes you wish you weren’t actually here.

Like… “Oh I’m glad you’re here. Can you grab the other side of this piano?”

Or… “I’m glad you’re here. There’s dinner in the fridge. The baby needs to be changed. The credit card company needs you to call back and verify a purchase from AdamEve dot com for $199.99. We’ll be talking about that later. Also the dog shit on the carpet. Your mom wants you to call her. And you have to drive the pre-teen to dance practice. I’ve gotta run. I’m late for cardio drumming.”

Yeah. We have to talk about cardio drumming. I’m calling shenanigans on cardio drumming. That seems like the paint-n-pour of exercise. What’s next? Orange Theory Air Guitar? Jazzersize Jazz Jazz Revolution? With extra jazz hands!

So yeah. I’m glad you’re here and not doing one of those asinine time fillers.

This place is about taking time to find joy in the way the universe makes us giggle.

For me, the whole universe makes me giggle. There’s something funny everywhere you go, if you look for it.

It didn’t always used to be that way for me.

Depression is a demon that whispered in my ear that nothing was any good, it was never going to get better. And when you hear that over and over, you start looking for ways out.

At my low point, I knew that I was really only a step or two from doing something drastic. So I took all the meds I had in my house (and at the time, I was on a lot of them) and flushed them down the toilet. I didn’t want them in my house if it got worse. And it did.

If I hadn’t flushed them on January 31 2017, I would have eaten them all on February 1.

One thing I’ve come to realize since that day is that even if you’ve just thought about taking your own life, you have already died. You’ve already seen the darkest parts of the universe. And if you’re still here and reading this, you’re a survivor. I’m a survivor.

It was a long road back though therapy and prayer and meditation and practice. And now I’m living my life like I never have before. I’m so happy to still be here, and I’m glad you’re here with me!

If you or a someone you know is experiencing emotional distress or suicidal crisis, check out the resources below: